Attachment Styles: Why You Love the Way You Do

Ever wonder why you get anxious when someone pulls away—or why you shut down the moment someone gets too close?

The answer might be in your attachment style.

Attachment theory, originally developed by psychologist John Bowlby, explains how our early relationships—especially with caregivers—shape the way we connect with others in adulthood.

Knowing your attachment style isn’t just helpful—it’s healing. It can help you understand your relationship patterns, communicate more clearly, and break out of cycles that no longer serve you.

The 4 Main Attachment Styles

1. Secure Attachment

• Beliefs: “I’m lovable. Others are trustworthy.”

• Relationships: Comfortable with intimacy and independence. Can communicate needs and resolve conflict in healthy ways.

• Origin: Consistent, responsive caregiving in childhood.

People with secure attachment tend to feel grounded and safe in relationships—but anyone can learn to become more secure with time and healing.

2. Anxious Attachment

• Beliefs: “I’m not enough. People might leave.”

• Behaviors: Craves closeness, seeks constant reassurance, fears abandonment. May become clingy or overthink texts and tone.

• Origin: Inconsistent caregiving—sometimes available, sometimes not.

If this is you, know this: you’re not “needy”—you’re responding to a nervous system shaped by unpredictability. You’re allowed to need reassurance. Healing helps you find it within.

3. Avoidant Attachment

• Beliefs: “I don’t need anyone. Getting close is risky.”

• Behaviors: Emotionally distant, values independence, may feel smothered by intimacy or vulnerability.

• Origin: Dismissive or emotionally unavailable caregiving.

Avoidantly attached people often seem strong and independent—but struggle to let people in. Healing allows you to see that closeness doesn’t equal loss of self.

4. Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized) Attachment

• Beliefs: “I want love, but I don’t trust it.”

• Behaviors: Push-pull dynamics, intense emotions, fear of intimacy and abandonment.

• Origin: Childhood trauma, abuse, or loss.

This style often develops from relational trauma. Healing this requires deeper work—especially with a therapist who can help you rebuild trust in both yourself and others.

Why This Matters

Understanding your attachment style helps you:

• Recognize your emotional triggers

• Choose healthier partners

• Communicate your needs

• Soften the patterns that sabotage connection

• Move toward more secure, satisfying relationships

It’s not about labeling yourself. It’s about understanding the blueprint—so you can consciously remodel it.

Can You Change Your Attachment Style?

Yes. Absolutely.

With awareness, practice, and support, you can rewire how you relate to others. You can become more secure—even if your early relationships didn’t model that.

It’s called earned secure attachment—and it’s possible at any age.

Final Thoughts

You don’t love “wrong.” You love from a place shaped by your history. And the more you understand that, the more you can choose connection from a place of self-trust, not survival.

Want help exploring your attachment style and shifting your relationship patterns? Book a session at Alberta Online Counselling and take the first step toward healing your connection with yourself—and others.