Setting Boundaries Without Guilt: A Therapist’s Guide

zeespareddeer
Sep 1
2 min read

Let’s be real—setting boundaries sounds empowering in theory, but in practice? It can feel uncomfortable, awkward, and for many of us, downright guilty.

But here’s what every therapist will tell you: Boundaries are not selfish. They’re essential.

They protect your peace, preserve your energy, and clarify your relationships. And learning to set them—without drowning in guilt—is a powerful step in caring for your mental health.

Why We Feel Guilty About Boundaries

If you’ve ever said “yes” when you wanted to say “no,” you’re not alone. Most of us were raised with messages like:

“Don’t be rude.”
“Keep the peace.”
“It’s not that big of a deal.”
“Be nice.”

So when you start saying things like “I can’t do that,” or “That doesn’t work for me,” your nervous system goes on high alert. It feels like danger—even though it’s just growth.

What Boundaries Actually Are

A boundary isn’t a wall. It’s a bridge—with guardrails.

It’s a clear communication of what you will and won’t accept in your life, space, and relationships. And it’s not just about saying “no”—it’s about saying yes to what matters most.

5 Therapist-Approved Tips for Setting Boundaries Without Guilt

1. Know Your “Why”

Before setting a boundary, get clear on what it protects.

Ask yourself:

What am I trying to preserve—my time, peace, energy, safety?
What has felt draining or harmful in this situation?

Having a solid reason makes the boundary easier to enforce—and harder to second-guess.

2. Start with Low-Stakes Practice

Don’t wait for a massive conflict to test your new boundary skills. Start small:

“I won’t be checking my phone after 8 p.m.”
“I can’t make that call today, but I can talk tomorrow.”
“I’m not available to meet up this weekend.”

Practicing in low-pressure situations builds confidence for the bigger ones.

3. Use Clear, Kind Language

Boundaries can be both firm and compassionate. You don’t need to over-explain or justify.

Try phrases like:

“That doesn’t work for me.”
“I need to pass this time.”
“I’m not available for that.”
“I appreciate the invite, but I’m prioritizing rest right now.”

Polite. Direct. No guilt necessary.

4. Expect Discomfort—Not Drama

People who benefit from your lack of boundaries may resist when you set them. That’s not proof you’re doing something wrong—it’s confirmation you’re doing something right.

Let the discomfort come and go. It gets easier the more you practice.

5. Remember That Guilt Is a Sign You’re Growing

Guilt isn’t always a red flag. Sometimes it’s just a reflex from outdated programming.

Instead of avoiding guilt, try reframing it:

“This guilt means I’m choosing myself.”
“I’m allowed to take care of my needs.”
“I don’t have to carry everything.”

Over time, that guilt will give way to empowerment.

Final Thoughts

Boundaries aren’t a rejection of others—they’re a radical act of self-respect.

You’re not mean. You’re not selfish. You’re someone who’s learning to honor your energy, your needs, and your worth.

And that’s something to be proud of.

Need help practicing healthy boundaries in your life or relationships? Book a session at Alberta Online Counselling and get the support you deserve.