Why We Grieve People Who Are Still Alive

Grief isn’t just for funerals. Sometimes, the people we grieve are still breathing—but not in our lives the way they once were.

It’s a confusing kind of pain. You can’t send flowers. You can’t explain it easily. And sometimes, you feel like you don’t even have permission to be grieving—because no one died.

But this kind of grief is real, valid, and worthy of recognition.

Let’s talk about it.

1. Grief Is About Loss—Not Just Death

Grief happens any time we lose something meaningful. That includes:

• A parent who’s still alive but emotionally unavailable

• A child who’s estranged

• A friend who ghosted you

• A partner who changed beyond recognition

• A person who left—by choice or circumstance

When someone is gone, but still here, you grieve what used to be… and what could have been.

2. There’s No Closure

When someone dies, there's a ritual: a funeral, condolences, a clear end. But when someone is still alive, the grief is murkier.

There’s no clean break. You may still see their name pop up. You may still hold on to hope that they’ll come back, apologize, or change.

That lack of closure can keep the grief stuck in limbo.

3. You’re Mourning a Version of Them—Or of You

Maybe they didn’t die, but the version of them you loved is gone.

Or maybe the relationship was once loving and supportive—and now it’s toxic, distant, or over.

You might also be grieving who you were with them. Who you were before the fallout. Who you thought you’d become together.

4. It’s a Quiet, Private Grief

Because it’s not widely talked about, this kind of grief can feel isolating. People might say:

• “Just move on.”

• “They weren’t good for you anyway.”

• “At least they’re still alive.”

But those comments don’t ease the ache. They often make it worse.

What you need is compassion. Acknowledgment. Space to mourn what’s been lost—even if that person still exists in the world.

5. It’s Okay to Feel Everything at Once

This kind of grief is rarely clean. It’s layered with:

• Anger

• Confusion

• Love

• Sadness

• Guilt

• Hope

You can miss someone and be mad at them. You can feel heartbroken and relieved. You can grieve someone and still wish them well.

All of these feelings can exist at once—and you don’t need to sort them into tidy categories.

6. Healing Starts With Permission

You don’t need anyone’s approval to grieve someone who’s still alive.

You’re allowed to:

• Cry

• Write letters you never send

• Set boundaries

• Go to therapy

• Talk about it

Your grief is real, even if others don’t understand it.

Final Thoughts

Grieving someone who’s still alive can feel like walking through fog—uncertain, disorienting, and lonely. But you are not alone. And you are not wrong for feeling the way you do.

Grief is love that has nowhere to go. So let it move. Let it be seen. Let it heal.

You don’t have to carry this pain quietly.

Need support navigating this invisible grief? Book a session today at Alberta Online Counselling and get the support you deserve.